This week's prompt is a check-in: where are you in your healing process? As much as we would like it to be, healing is not a linear process. It can be two steps forward, one step back. It is also a never-ending process. It is important to acknowledge how far you have come; to honor your courage, strength, and resilience. It's also important to take stock and see where healing needs to happen. This gives you places to focus on. Be honest with yourself, and write about how far you have come and how far you need to go.
My process hasn't been easy. I took me 6 years to disclose my abuse. The criminal justice system was a disaster. His lawyer tried to put the blame all on me, his family lied for him, and several people didn't believe me or dismissed what happened. I ended up attempting suicide at the age of 13. After that I was placed in therapy. It didn't go well at first; I didn't want to talk about anything. Talking hurt. Talking brought flashbacks. My therapist stuck with me, though, and I was able to begin processing what had happened. Even though he was acquitted, at least the case was over and I didn't have to think about it. A year or two after he was acquitted, my perpetrator died of cirrhosis of the liver. I put it all out of my mind and spent most of high school in a much better head space. This would last until my last semester of college.
In my Women's Studies class we were assigned Bastard Out of Carolina to read. All at once, everything came rushing back. I ended up sliding into depression. My teacher was amazing, and I confided in her. She suggested volunteering for a local rape crisis center. I went back to therapy for a couple months, and the day after graduation, I started my volunteer training for Rape Victim Advocates in Chicago, IL.
This decision would change my life forever! The training really helped me to feel and truly believe that what happened me to was not my fault. The coping skills we were taught to show survivors became a part of my own arsenal. Helping others like me gave me a sense of fulfillment and purpose. I never looked back. Whenever I moved, I would find the local rape crisis center to volunteer. I have been involved in this field, both paid and unpaid, for almost 20 years now.
I think I have come a long way in my healing process. I am able to talk about my experience openly. Doing so doesn't send me into spasms of fear anymore. Flashbacks and triggers don't cripple me anymore. I am able to help others. I am proud of the woman I have become.
However, if I am being honest, there are definitely ways I can help myself get further on my healing journey. Choosing the advocacy field as my career means I am constantly fielding triggering stories. My passion for this work can be a little intense at times, too. I am constantly seeking out documentaries and survivor biographies. Sometimes it can get a little overwhelming and I forget that I need to take a step back. I need to take the advice I give my clients, and focus on self-care. I can see how it plays out when I lose that --- my anxiety rises, I have trouble sleeping, I am depressed and irritable. I know too well how easy it is to let that despair eat you alive. I just need to remember to take it day by day and make sure I balance it all with things that bring me joy.
What path has your healing journey taken? Remember to take pride in how far you have come -- you are still here and surviving! -- and be honest about how you can keep yourself on that path. What areas need tending to?
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