You don't have to send the letter -- it can be sent, kept inside your journal, or burned in a ritual. The important thing is getting out what you want/need to say.
Dear grandfather,
You stole my childhood. My earliest memory is of the abuse. Not of comfort and care, bur hurt and pain. My childhood was about secrets and shame. At first I didn't understand what was going on. By the time I did it was hard to see a way out. It took all I had to disclose. Once the secret was out I had to deal with the breakup of my family. The guilt was crippling. I blamed myself for a long time. You took so much from me - my family, my power, my trust, my sense of self. For years I didn't want to live. I didn't think I deserved to live. Everyone's motives were suspect -- I trusted no one. Triggers sent me spiraling. I felt simultaneously numb and over-sensitive.
But I am no longer a child. You no longer have control over me. No more tears will be shed because of you. I am learning to trust again. Now I know how I want and deserve to be treated, and I will stand for nothing less. As an advocate, I help others on their own journeys; shining light into their darkness. I take pride in who I am -- my sense of self is back. I am beautiful at the broken places.
To whom do you have something to say?
To (you don't deserve a dear) A, N, J, and M
ReplyDeleteEach of you entered my life at different times. And each of you changed it.
M,
You were the first. You always made me feel minimal, as if my thoughts, actions, and opinions didn't count. Your goal was to break me and make me feel like I couldn't survive without you. You also cared for me and confused me. I may still struggle with my thoughts/feelings towards you, but I'm here without you.
J,
You were the first. The first to pressure me and then overpower me. The first to make me feel like because we were together, I owed you. You didn't stop, and I can still remember telling you no.
A,
You hurt me. You consistently hurt me physically, and you are the only person who has been able to do that. You were the only person I had ever been with that was stronger than me in muscles and what you did...you broke me more.
N,
You. You abused me. You gaslighted every thing I did and now, 5 years later you continue. You harass me and won't stop. I'm so much better without you, yet you are the one person I truly hold anger in my heart for. I'm stronger each year, and I know that eventually, you'll be dust. You may have been the worst. You need to stop. I do not need to do anything other than ignore you, and enjoy the life I have now.
To all of you: You never won.
Thank you for sharing! Your words are powerful, and so are you!! Hold on to that strength, and don't forget to take care of yourself! You are not alone!
ReplyDeleteDear S,
ReplyDeleteI hate the power you have over me. Just writing your name has got me shaking. I need two hands to hold this journal straight. You must know what this letter is about. I don't know how you see that night or how often it crosses your mind. It crosses my mind at least once a day. I hate that too. Sometimes it is just a memory from long ago, and sometimes it feels like it is happening again. I can feel your lips on mine, and I can feel your hands on me. I feel violated. This letter is not an accusation, and it is not a threat. I'm simply explaining why I don't believe that night was consensual. I was way too drunk, and you were sober. One of the first questions to you that night was how much you had had to drink, and you assured me you had had only one drink and were sober. I don't know if you realized just how drunk I was, but you must have suspected as you initially stopped us saying you didn't want to do anything I'd regret. I almost left after that, but you convinced me to stay. I don't know why you did what you did after that, but I remember being drunk, groggy, and disoriented. I remember being so focused on your lips that I didn't even notice you pull down my boxers. I don't know if I encouraged you, or if you had some other reason for doing it. I fully believe there was no malicious intent behind it. I still believe you are a good person.
When I woke up the next morning, I didn't know how to feel. I was confused and conflicted. All I knew was that it didn't feel right. It would take several days for the idea that it was sexual assault to even occur to me. It would take many months and many hard conversations to finally accept that, and many more to internalize it. What would finally convince me is the fact that had the roles been reversed, and I had touched you when you were too drunk to notice me take your panties off, there would be no doubt that what I did was wrong.
I don't know how you will react to this. Anger, sadness, horror, denial, acceptance? That's not the point of this. I wish I had had this conversation a long time ago in person. That was cowardly of me. I am sorry for that. Because despite how much pain you have caused, I still believe you are a good person. Sometimes a good person can hurt people too. I would like to consider myself a good person, and I know I have. I am not interested in argueing. Just know that I will not report you no matter how you react to this. You will not have to worry about me even changing my mind either because I could never press charges anyway due to the fact that I don't remember key details like the timeframe, your room number, or even the date. I've never been good at standing up for myself anyways. I've always been better at forgiveness. I'm much better at fighting for other people, which is why I have picked the profession I am going in. I truly do wish you the best. This letter is not meant to harm or distress you; it is purely for me.
-A
You have incredible strength and power!! Don't think otherwise. Any way you feel is appropriate....allow yourself all the range of emotions. You are courageous and strong and I thank you for sharing!
ReplyDelete